Catfish

Finally Catfish took the nikkiu exam. Let’s not dwell in the road taken to get there, since the ways of catfishes, swimming in the darker waters of the pond, are not easy to see. Catfish himself wondered how did he get there, once again in front of a panel ready to judge and to evaluate, to decide capabilities and skills. Catfish hated exams, and yet there he was, out of the water, about to take Namazu out of her saya. Not for his own path sake this time, but for his path to be seen and evaluated. Did I said that Catfish hated exams? And yet here he was, in the middle of a nikkiu evaluation. 

I said that we would not dwell in the road taken, and yet we will. After all, that is what roads do, intricate and contradictory paths that tell the tale of the ones walking them. Before the exam, Catfish had a year training Iai. Being who he was, Catfish first reasons to be there at all was the lone character of the trip. He thought that Iai was an internal road, meaningful for himself and himself alone. Luckily there are no fines for having the wrong opinions. Iai turned out to be a communal effort, a not so lonely travel after all. In the dojo Catfish learned that beyond teachings and practices, there was more. As every other meeting place today, Catfish’s dojo hosted all sorts. And yet together they become something else, some thing else all together, something more, even. In walking to the exam, through unfamiliar streets and dark bridges over unknown water, Catfish received well wishes from far away. How could this be? he wondered  Why would they care if I pass or if I don’t, he wondered. And yet he knew the answer, even if he could not put it down in words, or thoughts. He smiled at himself going to an exam in his old age, an exam again, for god’s sake! 

And there is Catfish again, few hours later. Beyond expectations and good wishes, in spite of the hours at the dojo and at his own, still sankyu. He could not prevent a grimace at his own satire. There you have me, he told himself, again failing what I could not fail, again giving the wrong answers to the known questions. And something else, some thing else all together. Catfish dropped, long years ago, the need to be recognized. Convinced that his own path was his own, no exam bothered him anymore. Luckily there are no fines to have the wrong opinions, somebody said. There Catfish was, bothered. Caring not for one or another degree attached to himself. And yet, failing felt like a pang, a pang extended to others, dark ripples in the pond of his people. After all, others had involved themselves in his path, others had given him their time and knowledge. Namazu herself moved in her saya. She knew too. Tomorrow they would train together again, tomorrow he would learn some more. Eventually, some tomorrow he would reach nikkiu and go beyond. Eventually. But for now the ripples of failure, expanding slowly in the dark, and calm waters of the pond. 

Catfish walked slowly, going home through unfamiliar streets and unknown bridges over dark waters.